God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
