Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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