Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I think I sprained my soul last night
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Randomize
