My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
