Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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