Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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