I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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