She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Randomize
