I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
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