Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
