I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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