Your dad touched me again.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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