she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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