my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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