I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
