I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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