I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
