i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
