I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
