Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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