Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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