I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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