Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
accomplished twins. life is a go
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
