but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
