Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
