Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
