Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
