im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
