Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
