I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Randomize
