Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
