So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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