Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I came so hard my ears popped.
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