How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
