I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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