im six kinds of drunk right now
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
