If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
