Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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