We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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