I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
