My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
