we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Randomize
