i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Someone signed my nipple.
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