Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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