Having a random hookup so left but love u
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
