her vagina looked like bernie madoff
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
