I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
