Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
