ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
