You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
