a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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