Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
