During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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